For years, conversations about fatherhood have understandably focused on getting fathers to step up. Stay. Provide. Engage. Participate. Parent. These expectations matter, but perhaps the next phase of the conversation also needs to ask, What happens when fathers do those things?
Do we notice? Do we acknowledge them? Do we encourage them? Do our children hear us affirm the good their fathers bring into their lives? Maybe sometimes fathers need somebody to notice what they are doing, instead of another conversation about what they aren’t doing.
By Dr. Matisa Wilbon, Co-Chair, Moynihan Institute for Fatherhood Research and Policy
We joke about it every year.
Mother’s Day? Reservations are booked. Flowers are everywhere. Social media is flooded with tributes. There are brunches, gifts, balloons, matching outfits, and entire weekends built around celebrating moms.
But Father’s Day? Here’s your tie, Dad.
Now, before anybody gets upset, this is not an argument that mothers are celebrated too much. Mothers deserve to be honored. Period. But I do think we need to have a conversation about fathers because I believe something very simple: What we honor, grows.
And if we say we want fathers to be more engaged, more present, more emotionally available, and more involved in their children’s everyday lives, perhaps one thing we should think more seriously about is how we respond when they actually do it.
Fathers Want to Know Their Efforts Matter
This isn’t simply sentiment: Fatherhood research and needs assessments have found fathers talking about a desire to be acknowledged and respected in their parenting role. In a Wisconsin statewide fatherhood needs assessment, for example, some fathers described feeling that what fathers contribute isn’t appreciated enough.
And when fathers are asked what makes them feel appreciated, the answers aren’t particularly complicated:
- “Thank you.”
- “I love you.”
- A hug.
- Time together.
- Recognition.
One survey of fathers found that the most common way dads said they felt appreciated by their families was simply hearing words like “thank you” or “I love you.” That’s important because sometimes we make appreciation much harder than it has to be.
“But That’s What He’s Supposed to Do.”
I can hear somebody saying it already:
- Why should I thank him for taking his child to school? That’s what he’s supposed to do.”
- Why should I celebrate him for showing up to the doctor’s appointment? That’s his child.
- Why should anybody congratulate a father for parenting?
I understand the arguments, but let me challenge them.
Something being your responsibility doesn’t mean that appreciation is unnecessary. Most of us do things every day that we’re “supposed” to do. We go to work. We care for people we love. We keep commitments. We support our families. And yet being seen still matters. Being thanked still matters. Being appreciated still matters.
Accountability says, “This is your responsibility.”
Appreciation says, “I see you carrying it.”
Those two things can exist in the same house. In fact, I’d argue that healthy co-parenting needs both.
Appreciation Can Create an Environment for Engagement
Research on co-parenting adds another piece to consider: Encouragement matters.
When fathers feel supported, respected, and recognized in their role, it can create space for them to stay engaged and connected. Sometimes, a simple word of affirmation can reinforce the message that their presence matters, their effort is seen, and their relationship with their children is important.
That doesn’t mean a mother is responsible for making a father parent.
A father is responsible for fathering.
But relationships create environments. We either create environments where people constantly hear what they’re doing wrong, or we create environments where accountability exists alongside recognition of what they’re doing right.
That is where Co-Parenting Maturity™ comes in.
Mature co-parenting isn’t simply dividing responsibilities. It’s learning to build a parenting system centered on the child’s well-being. Sometimes that means correcting something. Sometimes it means setting a boundary. Sometimes it means having a hard conversation.
And sometimes maturity sounds like: “Thank you for showing up.”
What Can Appreciation Actually Look Like?
Appreciation doesn’t require a trophy every time Dad picks up the kids. It can be much simpler:
- Notice the small things.
If he consistently handles pickup, homework, bedtime, practices, appointments or Saturday morning breakfast, acknowledge it. - Be specific when saying “thank you.” Not just “Thanks,” but, “Thank you for rearranging your schedule to get her to practice today. I know that took some work.” Specific appreciation communicates: I noticed.
- Let the children hear positive things about their father.
Children benefit when they don’t feel forced to choose between their parents. When appropriate and safe, saying, “Your dad really showed up for you today,” reinforces the father-child relationship without diminishing the mother. - Acknowledge growth.
Maybe Dad wasn’t always consistent. If he’s becoming consistent, say so. “I’ve noticed you’ve really been making an effort to be on time lately. I appreciate that.” We sometimes refuse to acknowledge today’s progress because we’re still angry about yesterday’s failure. But co-parenting maturity makes room for accountability and growth. - Celebrate ordinary fatherhood. Not just graduations. Not just championships. Not just Father’s Day. Celebrate the dad who learned how to do his daughter’s hair. The dad sitting in the parent-teacher conference. The dad working through conflict instead of disappearing. The dad who apologized. The dad who came back. The dad who called. The dad who is learning. The dad who keeps showing up. These moments matter.
The Hidden Secret About Gratitude
Gratitude isn’t only good for the person receiving it; it can also be powerful for the person practicing it.
Gratitude and well-being are correlated. Research on couples has found that honest expressions of gratitude can benefit both the person expressing gratitude and the person receiving it. That’s the part we sometimes miss.
Gratitude changes what I pay attention to, and in difficult co-parenting relationships, that may be especially important. If I only look for what you’re doing wrong, I’ll always find evidence, but if I intentionally begin noticing what’s working, I may discover something else is happening, too:
- He remembered.
- He called.
- He came.
- He listened.
- He handled it differently this time.
- He kept his word.
No, gratitude doesn’t erase dysfunction. It doesn’t mean ignoring harm. It doesn’t mean lowering expectations. And it certainly doesn’t mean pretending unhealthy behavior is healthy. It simply means refusing to become so consumed with what’s wrong that we can’t recognize what’s right.
Maybe We Should Catch Fathers Doing Something Right
For years, conversations about fatherhood have understandably focused on getting fathers to step up. Stay. Provide. Engage. Participate. Parent. These expectations matter, but perhaps the next phase of the conversation also needs to ask, What happens when fathers do those things?
Do we notice? Do we acknowledge them? Do we encourage them? Do our children hear us affirm the good their fathers bring into their lives? Maybe sometimes fathers need somebody to notice what they are doing, instead of another conversation about what they aren’t doing.
And perhaps one of the most powerful things we can bring into a co-parenting relationship is a sentence that costs absolutely nothing: “I see what you’re doing. Thank you.”
What we honor grows, and if what we want is healthier fathers, stronger co-parenting relationships, and children surrounded by adults who know how to recognize the good in one another, then gratitude might be more powerful than we think.
Don’t just demand better fatherhood. When you see healthy fatherhood happening, name it. Honor it. Encourage it. Help it grow.
